


The Pursuit of Pleasure

by Ardwynna



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-24
Updated: 2010-09-28
Packaged: 2017-10-12 06:59:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardwynna/pseuds/Ardwynna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sephiroth goes to extreme lengths to get some action and has to deal with the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Desire

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work. I own nothing but Henry, Irene and Ethel. You can borrow them but you'd be some kind of sick nut to want them.

**Notes:**

1\. I like Cloud as well as yaoi and shounen-ai, so any 'bashing' in this fic is strictly for humorous effect.

2\. I'm disturbed that I've actually written this. If you want to turn back, now would be the time.

Warnings: This fic contains dirty euphemisms left and right, some Cloud-bashing, light m/m content, total loss of dignity for Sephiroth and overall, no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Stage One: Desire

It was a dark and cloudless night. Hey, they can't all be stormy and if this particular one had been, most likely nothing would have happened in the first place. Anyway, it was a dark and cloudless night.

It was a Cloudless night too for Aeris and Sephiroth, who having finally admitted their deep, undying, animal attraction for each other, had decided to get their freaks on, as the saying goes. Planning the horizontal aerobics session proved a bit more difficult than they expected, since Aeris was currently traveling with a certain unsavory specimen of Cumulus who wanted nothing more than to rain on Sephiroth's parade. No doubt his picnic in Aeris's lawn would warrant the same treatment.

As it was, Aeris snuck out of camp, careful to avoid detection by the aforementioned Cumulus, to meet her man on a flat expanse behind some shrubbery. In anticipation of the night's limb mingling, Sephiroth had spread his coat as a makeshift mattress and set several flares up in order to create an atmosphere of something remotely resembling romance.

They fell instantly into each other's arms and after a two-minute attempt at the supposedly prerequisite foreplay, they were both stripped down and ready to do the dirty work. Sephiroth leaned over Aeris, eager for what she offered, but as he did so, she looked down and frowned at him. He froze, but kept grinning. Women often were alarmed at the size of the pipe he had to lay. It was no surprise.

"Don't worry," he said. "I'll be gentle." He leaned in again but Aeris put both hands against his chest and pushed him away. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Changed your mind."

"No," Aeris said, "but aren't you going to wrap that thing?"

Sephiroth looked confused. "Wrap it?"

"Yes, Sephiroth. Wrap it in rubber, put on a raincoat, you know."

Sephiroth frowned, then gave her the classic puppy look. Since he was over six feet tall, buck naked and evil, it did not look too convincing on him, but he tried anyway. "Come on, baby, you can trust me. Tonight is supposed to be special. I want to feel everything."

Aeris pushed him off and frowned at him. "Oh no you don't, Bub. I've heard that line before. Either dress to impress or send the little guy home for the night."

Sephiroth immediately realized two things. First, he would have to wrap the wiener if he wanted to get some tail that night and second, Aeris had dared to call Mr. Masamune a 'little guy'. Since Sephiroth was a man who counted pride as a priority, he opted to defend his honor first.

"What the hell do you mean 'little'?" He roared. "And where the hell have you heard any 'line' before too?"

Aeris rolled her eyes at him. "Oh, please! You're not the first man I've let stroke the kitty, if that's what you were hoping, and, yes, your one-eyed soldier is fairly impressive, but I've seen bigger."

Sephiroth was furious. He leaned back on his knees and yelled, "Who the hell could possibly beat this magnificent specimen?" The organ in question wagged up and down in agreement with him.

Aeris rolled her eyes again. "My first boyfriend. I think you knew him. His name was Zack."

Sephiroth's face fell and so did Mr. Masamune. "That is so unfair," he whimpered. "I had bigger feet and everything." Mr. Masamune wagged again and flopped down.

Aeris felt a bit bad about her outburst now. If Sephiroth wasn't in the mood anymore, she would not be getting to the Promised Land tonight. "Come on, now. It's not the size of the ship that matters. It's the motion in the ocean, right?" Sephiroth shrugged. Aeris leaned over and touched his shoulder. "You know," she whispered as she trailed a hand down the man's back. "I've always heard no one could match your skill with a sword."

Mr. Masamune bobbed up and down in agreement. Sephiroth grinned. "Damn straight! Let's get it on!" He pushed Aeris back to the ground. She rolled her eyes at him again.

"Seph? You remember our original problem?"

The man froze. "Right. Rubber. You got one?"

Aeris frowned. "No. Don't you?"

"Hey, it's been a while." Sephiroth looked around.

In the town called Perfect, prophylactics grow on shrubbery so that no Don Juan should ever be caught in an indelicate position unprepared, but Sephiroth and Aeris were nowhere near Perfect at the time. Sephiroth sighed.

Considering that Aeris had once bumped uglies with Zack, of all people, he figured that the situation really did warrant either sheathing his sword or polishing it himself for the night. "I guess I better go get something. Wait here for me." He stood and grabbed his pants. "I'll be back as soon as I can." And so the man wandered out of the field into the closest town in search of a pharmacy that was still open that time of night.

It did not take too long to find one, given that the building was so lit up inside that it glowed. Sephiroth stood nearly blind in the entrance as the doors slid closed behind him. It had been quite a while since he had done anything like this. If he had been any younger, he might have blushed. As it was, he slunk all the way to the back of the store, hoping that he could avoid notice.

There was a fairly long line at the counter and Sephiroth found himself standing behind a redhead with headphones in his ears. Sephiroth counted his lucky stars that nobody seemed to be paying attention. Luck was not with him though. The redhead turned around in the middle of a dance move.

Of course, it was none other than that degenerate Turk, Reno. The man took his headphones off. "Sephy-boy! What are you doing here?" Sephiroth glared at him but Reno had never been one to be put off by a simple look. "Seriously, Sephiroth, what are you doing here at this time of night. And topless too."

Sephiroth frowned. "None of your business. What are you doing here?"

Reno grinned. "What else is a man going to be doing in the back of a pharmacy at this time of night, eh?" He winked and nudged Sephiroth. "That's it, isn't it? Who's the girl?"

"None of your business!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Okay, okay. It's your secret. I can respect that." Reno grinned again and turned away. Sephiroth only had time for half a sigh of relief before Reno turned around again. "Is it a guy?"

Sephiroth spluttered. "It's not a guy!"

"Really? I thought you were screwing that blond kid, Cloud."

Sephiroth glared. "Why the hell would you think a thing like that? I'm screwing WITH him, not screwing him! There's a difference. I don't do guys and even if I did, I'd have more taste than to fuck that one!"

Reno shrugged. "Hey, if you want to confine yourself to one gender it's fine by me. And watch your language. There's womenfolk behind you." He put his headphones back on and resumed swaying to the beat.

Sephiroth turned around. Two old ladies, one in a pink sweater and one in blue, had joined the line behind him. They both looked up hurriedly as he spun around. The swordsman glanced at the ground around him but he could not find what they had been looking at. He turned his back on them warily. Something about the way their glasses glinted under the fluorescent lights was, for the lack of a more sophisticated term, downright creepy.

Reno was still happily dancing. Sephiroth's eyes widened at the way the redhead's hips wiggled. As the line moved forward, all the hints and signs that the swordsman had never paid too much attention to before began to coagulate in his mind.. Was Reno…?

His suspicions were confirmed when Reno got up to the counter. The old man behind it apparently recognized the Turk. "I got your usual right here, sir," he said.

"Thanks, Henry!" Reno reached into his pants. "Aw, man, I forgot my wallet! Could you hold this for me. I'll just run out to the car and borrow the cash from my boyfriend."

"No problem," Henry said. "Just hurry back. I know he doesn't like to be kept waiting."

"Boyfriend?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yeah, boyfriend," Reno replied. "I know, I know. You can't believe Randy Raunchy Reno is actually going steady."

" _Boy_ friend?" Sephiroth repeated.

"Don't tell me you hadn't figured it out."

Sephiroth said nothing. Reno smirked. "Rather dense of you, overall. It's not like I tried to hide it. But then I always did say you soldier-boys are thicker than most." He gave the swordsman a glance below the belt that left the man feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

"Can I help you, sir?" Henry asked.

Sephiroth stumbled up to the counter. "Give me, um, uh…" He almost turned pink. He knew what he wanted but could not bring himself to say the word.

"Some…?" Henry prompted.

Sephiroth took a breath and tried again. "I need c…co…"

"Cotton balls?" Henry asked. "They're in aisle four."

The swordsman shook his head. "No, no, I mean, I need a box of co…con…"

"Contact lenses? What's your brand?"

Sephiroth groaned and slumped forward onto the counter. This tongue-tied embarrassment was ridiculous for a man of his age and experience. The two old ladies tittered behind him.

"We know what he needs," one of them said. They tittered some more.

Henry threw his arms up. "You girls better help me out then. I'm not sure what he wants."

"Oh, Henry," said the one in the pink sweater. "You always were dense about this, even when you were his age."

"Think about it, Henry," the one in blue piped up. "He's here at this hour, he's in a hurry and he's got no shirt on."

"Not to mention he's in the finest pair of leather pants this side of Midgar."

"Mmhmm!"

Henry scratched his grey head. Sephiroth stood up slowly. His face turned sixteen different shades of red, not that he cared, since the only shade of red he had ever been interested in was 'blood'. He stared helplessly at the clueless elderly gent behind the counter, then tried once more.

"I need…I need…" The shame was too much. He tried to gather his nerve, but was interrupted by the distinct feel of wiry fingers pinching his behind. He whipped around to confront the wizened, nosy old bag who had dared to test the firmness of his prize-winning gluteus maximus. The glint in her eyes scared him silent.

"Don't sweat it, honey. Let Mama Irene take care of this for you." The grey-haired lady in the pink sweater pushed him aside. "Henry, get the boy some love gloves! The kind with the zap."

"Zap?" Sephiroth could not have looked more worried if he tried.

"You know, zap, stuff that kills your swimmers." The blue-sweatered lady nudged his arm. "That's the whole reason you're here isn't it? So you won't get some girl knocked up."

Sephiroth turned three more shades of red and two of purple. He caught his reflection in Mama Irene's glasses and was absolutely horrified. He was beginning to look like a rather fine berry, with his pale hair like whipped cream on top. Fortunately, thoughts of whipped cream reminded him of the pretty naked girl he had left in the field and he glared at Henry with strengthened resolve.

"One box of extra large condoms, please," he requested, with no hint of a stammer or a stutter. However, his newly regained courage was not to last long.

"I told you he was a big one, Ethel!" Mama Irene declared.

The old hag in the blue sweater did not seem impressed. "I never said he wasn't big, just that there are some who are bigger."

Sephiroth slumped forward onto the counter in shame again.

"Hurry it up back there, Henry!" Irene yelled. "A girl doesn't stay young forever!"

Sephiroth groaned.

"Here you go!" Henry dropped the long-awaited box into a brown paper bag, apparently as eager for the ordeal to be over as Sephiroth was. "That'll be twelve gil."

Sephiroth reached into his pants pocket. There was nothing there. "Oh damn! I put my wallet in my coat and the coat's under the girl."

Irene and Ethel tittered some more. Henry rolled his eyes at the sky. "Just do like your friend did, then. Run on over and get it. I'm not going anywhere tonight."

The swordsman was in no mood to make useless trips back and forth and to be honest, the field was quite a distance away from the town of Not-Perfect. Fortunately, Sephiroth possessed the unnatural ability to call on his belongings to appear whenever he needed them.

He stood straight and stiff and focused all his will for a moment, envisioning the precise location of the desired object. He sent forth a flash of power and felt the surge that meant success. The power subsided and he smiled, waiting for the item to appear.

Masamune landed hilt first on his back and sent him tumbling to the floor.

"Oh, honey, are you alright?" Irene bent down to help him up. "That certainly is a very big sword. Where did it come from?"

Sephiroth picked up the weapon and glared at it. He had asked for his wallet, not his weapon. Sometimes it seemed that _both_ his swords had minds of their own. He pulled himself up. "It's mine."

"Hmph," Ethel grunted. "You know what they say about men who need big weapons."

Sephiroth whirled on her. "I am NOT compensating for anything!"

"That so?" She eyed him speculatively. "Prove it."

"What?" Sephiroth began to doubt his hearing.

"Take off your pants, honey," Irene said, giggling all the while. Sephiroth was so furious that he might have begun turning red again if not for the fact that he felt more green at the moment.

"Ladies," Henry put in, "Might I remind you that the young man still has to pay for the merchandise?"

"Oh, hell, Henry," Irene barked. "He's got no money and there's a girl waiting. You don't want some poor girl getting in the family way over twelve gil, do you?"

"Well…," Henry considered the options.

"Tell you what, Henry," Ethel announced. "If this young man drops his pants and proves that he's as well-hung as he claims, I'll pay for the rubbers."

Irene grinned. "Good one, Ethel."

Henry sighed and Sephiroth stared at them as if they were a few eggs short of an omelet. "Uh…" Sephiroth said and looked at the old man, hoping for some testosterone-based support in this situation.

Henry did not look too optimistic. "I'm really not seeing too many options here."

Ethel and Irene grinned and the light reflected off their glasses with an almost-hellish glow.

"Take 'em off, boy. Show Mama the goods!"

TBC….


	2. Arousal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings** : In addition to what came before, this fic now contains potty humor, a bad Spaceballs joke and a Sickeningly Sweet Couple. The events in this fic are acts of **sheer** idiocy and should absolutely not be attempted at home, or anywhere else.

**Warnings** : In addition to what came before, this fic now contains potty humor, a bad Spaceballs joke and a Sickeningly Sweet Couple. The events in this fic are acts of **sheer** idiocy and should absolutely not be attempted at home, or anywhere else.

 **The Pursuit of Pleasure**

 **Stage Two: Arousal**

"Don't take all night, pretty boy," Ethel looked him straight in the eye. "Flash the stash and I'll give you the cash."

Sephiroth frowned. "Listen, lady, there is no way in all of HELL that I'm going to drop my pants for twelve gil!"

"How about fifty?"

The swordsman nearly exploded. "No, you old bat! Get this through your thick, grey head! There's only one woman I'm getting naked for tonight and since she's not here right now, my pants are staying on!"

"Hmph!" Ethel grumbled. "Suit yourself."

Sephiroth grinned smugly but was interrupted from his superiority trip by a hand that made itself busy caressing his bicep. He looked down to see that said hand was attached to the pink-sweatered menace that was Irene. She noticed his look and gave him a disturbingly sweet smile.

"You know, dear," she began, "I think it's absolutely adorable that you're so dedicated to your girl."

Sephiroth scowled and yanked his arm away. "Dedicated, my ass! I just want to ride her like she's an S-Class chocobo all night long."

"Good luck with that, then," Ethel grunted. "From the looks of things, she's not letting you ride bareback and you can't afford a saddle."

It was at that precise moment that Sephiroth's last frayed nerve decided to snap. The swordsman's chest heaved as he gathered his breath. His fist tightened around his sword and his mind caught fire. So what if he did not have his wallet? Perhaps the same thing that had gotten him into this pants-dropping pickle could get him out of it. He grinned and his eyes took on an Evil Glow.

Without warning, he swung the Masamune up to Henry's throat. "Get a big bag," he said slowly, "and give me all the condoms you have."

The old man squeaked with fear. "Whatever you say, young man. Just don't hurt me."

Sephiroth smirked with satisfaction. Then he felt another brush against his arm. He looked out of the corner of his eyes to see Irene tapping his bicep again. She looked up at him questioningly. "Honey, are you really robbing this place?"

He looked the little woman straight in the face with an expression of classic exasperation. "What does it look like I'm doing, woman? Of course I'm robbing the place! Now would you mind stepping back while I conclude my business?" He turned back to Henry and tapped the shaking man's chin with the sword. "The goods, if you please."

As Henry quakingly reached for a bag, the little old lady stepped back, shaking her head. "Oh dear, oh dear. Honey, consider what you're doing. Robbery is a serious crime!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "So are arson and murder and I've already done those."

"It's a shame." Ethel shook her head at him. "You're cute but you're just another doped up, store-robbing street punk after all."

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed and he whirled Masamune to her neck. "I am NOT a street punk!" Ethel did not move. In fact, her only response was the strange glint of fluorescent light off her glasses. Sephiroth could have cried from frustration. "How the hell can you possibly not flinch at this?" he screamed and waggled the blade at her neck.

"I _am_ flinching," she said. "My neck bones are just slow from arthritis."

Sephiroth groaned again and looked skyward, silently asking for help from the Great and Merciful Fat Chocobo above. Irene tapped him on the arm again. "I was just wondering, dear, since you're not particularly attached to this girl you keep talking about, you wouldn't by chance happen to be interested in becoming a _raping_ store-robbing street punk, would you?" She looked up hopefully.

Sephiroth backed away. He felt his back hit the counter and spun around. "Are you done yet, Henry?" The old man shook his head. "Well, hurry it up then! And throw in something for an upset stomach too."

The mention of an upset stomach set off every one of Mama Irene's squishy-soft maternal instincts. "Aw, what's the matter, honey? Your tum tum hurting you?"

Sephiroth's faced crumpled with a pain that was not in his stomach.

Irene grabbed his arm again. "Do you have diarrhea?"

Sephiroth let the Masamune fall and banged his head straight down on the counter.

"Oh my," Irene said. "It's gas, isn't it, honey? I'm always irritable when I've got gas."

Sephiroth straightened, bleary eyed and pushed beyond the point of anger. "I've had it with you two," he gritted out quietly and stormed off down one of the aisles.

The women stared at Sephiroth as he went. Henry let out the second greatest sigh of relief in the recorded history of the Planet (the first being that released by one Vernon Wilkes, a Rocket Town native who perpetually suffered from a condition commonly known as 'The Shits', upon finally reaching the porcelain pitstop after a run). Henry's sigh was premature, however. Sephiroth returned with his arms full of pantyhose.

"What, you're a cross-dresser too?" Ethel asked. Sephiroth gave her a deranged grin and stretched a pair of sand beige stockings in his hands like gangling wire.

"Oh my," said Irene. "Are you going to do what I think you're going to do with that, honey?"

It turned out that was exactly what Sephiroth had in mind. In less than two minutes he had both sweater-clad tyrants securely tied up on the floor. They were quite cooperative during the entire process.

Ethel nodded grudgingly as he finished the last knot. "I'll say this for you, boy. You know how to handle your hose."

"Lots of practice," he said and stuffed a rolled-up stocking in her mouth to gag her. Then he went back to forcing Henry to fill up the bag.

It was while the swordsman had his back turned that Reno returned to pay his bill. The first thing the redhead saw was a pair of helpless old ladies sitting on the floor, bound and gagged, with nylons, no less. He knew immediately that something was up. He whipped out his cell phone and hit speed dial.

"Sweetheart," he whispered. "Something's going on here. I think someone's holding up the place." He ducked down behind the mops and listened for a minute. "No, it's ok. It's probably just some street punk. I'll handle it." He listened some more. "Hey, baby, don't worry," he reassured his boyfriend. "I might not have my nightstick with me but there's brooms here." There was an audible outburst from the phone. "Relax," Reno whispered. "I know how to handle a rod."

With that, he shut the phone off and took a big, black broom from the rack. He edged up to the very end of the aisle, adjusted his grip and with a feral yell, leapt into battle. He swung out before he looked and the end of the broom connected neatly with Sephiroth's head. Henry shrieked and fell to the floor. Sephiroth looked at the space where the old man had been, confused. He turned around, looking dazed.

"Seph, what are you doing?" Reno was incredulous. "Are you the one robbing this place?"

"Mmhmm," Sephiroth nodded. "I'm taking the condoms. And some antacid." He looked at the pair of very calm bound captives on the floor. They seemed quite comfortably restrained. It gave him ideas. "And pantyhose."

"What the hell are you doing this for? Don't tell me you forgot your wallet." Sephiroth gave Reno an odd look. "Okay, you forgot your wallet." He walked over to the counter where his own bag lay and rustled through it. He pulled out a box and offered it to Sephiroth. "Here you go. All legal and paid for, on me."

Sephiroth stared at the proffered box for a while, then reached out and took it. "Thanks," he said simply.

"No problem," Reno replied and busied himself untying the elderly women on the floor. He pulled the gags out first before he went to work on the bindings.

"Thank you, young man," Irene began. "I'm glad you talked some sense into your friend."

"He said he was going to have his way with us," Ethel grumbled, disappointed at the turn of events.

Reno stepped back and stared at Sephiroth in disgust. "You sick bastard."

Sephiroth held his hands up in defense. "I said no such thing!" Reno kept staring at him. "I didn't! And besides, what's with you giving me _these_ condoms anyway?"

"Take what you get, Seph. Beggars can't be choosers." The Turk went back to untying the women.

"I won't feel anything with these on," Sephiroth complained. "I'm not planning to spend all night banging on the back door, freak!"

Reno whirled on him. "You're calling me a freak? You're the one who was planning to steal sugar from a woman old enough to be your grandma!"

"I was not, you fudge-packing twit!"

"Hmph!" Reno snorted. "All this blatant homophobia. Sounds like someone has repressed tendencies to me." He turned his back on the silver-haired man. Sephiroth turned a fine tomato color with rage. Before the day Nibelheim was razed to the ground, it had been well-known throughout SOLDIER that turning your back on an angry Sephiroth was a very big mistake. Reno was a Turk though, so he didn't really know that.

Sephiroth leapt and tackled the redhead to the ground. Fists flew, clothing ripped, teeth were bared and before the Turk realized what had happened, he had lost his jacket and Sephiroth was strangling him with his own shirt. Reno, unlike Sephiroth, actually had been a street punk at one point and knew very well how to fight dirty. Despite his hazardous state of oxygen deprivation, he managed to reach down and gently slip a hand into Sephiroth's pants.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sephiroth shrieked and scrambled backwards.

Reno grinned. "Come on, Sephy-baby! Things are pretty good on the dark side of the Schwarz." He pounced. Sephiroth yowled and they both went rolling across the floor in a wild tangle.

"You know," Ethel mused as she watched the fight, "this is one of the best wrestling matches I've seen in a while."

"Forget that!" Henry bounced up from behind the counter. "We have to do something to stop them!"

"We could throw jello on them," Irene suggested.

The bare-chested wrestlers rolled by again and Sephiroth managed to get the upper hand. He smashed Reno's face into the floor and kept the Turk pinned down. "I've got you now," he said with the trademark Evil Grin on his face.

"OW!" Reno turned his face sideways. "Enough is enough, okay! You win! Get off me! Hey, what are doing with that?" Sephiroth had busied himself yanking the belt from Reno's waist since the pantyhose pile was not in reach. The swordsman grinned as he pulled the Turk's hands up to tie them. "OW!" Reno yelled again. "Stop it! That hurts!"

As luck would have it, just at that particular moment, Reno's worried boyfriend was sneaking up the aisle and the sight of his slender lover half-dressed, face-down on the floor and crying out in pain set every last one of his protective instincts in gear. He charged and slammed his fist into the culprit's face.

Sephiroth rolled backwards three times before he came to a stop. He caught his breath and sized up the new opponent. "Rude?"

The tall Turk picked Reno up off the floor and turned around. One eyebrow rose above the rim of the sunglasses the man wore, despite the hour. He turned back to Reno with a questioning look.

"Yeah, it's really Sephiroth," Reno explained. "The rumors were true. He really did become an asshole during the Nibelheim mission." Rude filed the information away in his head, then stroked Reno's cheek. Reno nuzzled up against his boyfriend. "I'm okay, sweetheart. Really, I am."

"Awww! How sweet!" said Irene.

"Mmhmm! Give me a tall mocha frappuccino any day!" said Ethel.

"Oy," said Henry, and he went into the back room to lie down.

Rude gave his boyfriend a tight hug and then turned his questioning look on Sephiroth.

"He stuck his hands down my pants!" the swordsman fumed.

Rude took off his sunglasses and looked at Reno with 'Kicked Puppy' written all over his face. "I only did it because he was strangling me," Reno explained.

"He accused me of having latent tendencies!" Sephiroth yelled.

"He's a goddamned homophobe!" shrieked the redhead and Rude turned a dark look Sephiroth's way.

"I am not!" Sephiroth exclaimed in his defense. "I just don't want to have to take crap from _anyone_ ," and at this point he looked around for the suspiciously absent Irene and Ethel, "when all I want to do is get a helmet to equip my private so he can storm the trenches tonight!"

Rude looked at Reno, who shrugged. Sephiroth lunged over the counter for the bag Henry had dropped. He grabbed it, swung his way back up and turned triumphantly just in time to be hit in the chest with the contents of a jello cup.

"You're right, Ethel, lime really is his color!"

Sephiroth looked down at his gelatin-covered skin, aghast. "What the hell is this?"

"You don't like lime?" Ethel asked. "Pop the cherry, Irene."

"Dammit, NO!" Sephiroth yelled, waving his arms frantically. "Look at me! I can't go out covered in goo!"

"Well, we can get it off you," Irene offered. "It's a shame to let good food go to waste!"

"Mmhmm," said Ethel. "Especially since jello's one of the few things I can eat without worrying about my dentures coming loose." Two pairs of glasses glinted under the fluorescent lights as the old women approached.

Sephiroth kicked his sword off the ground and into his hand. "Back off, you two! If anyone's licking jello off me tonight, it's Aeris!"

" _Aeris?_ " Surprised, everyone turned to look at Rude. "Hey, now if you're getting to clean her pipes, I can understand why you're anxious to get to work!"

"Rude!" Reno was wide-eyed. "You talked!"

Rude, being Rude, paid no attention to the stares he was getting. "Aeris…man, that babe is HOT!"

"Rude!" Reno whined.

"I'm serious!" Rude said. "That honey's packing back, especially for a white girl!"

"How come you never say anything nice about _my_ butt?" Reno pouted.

"Dude, go for it!" Rude pumped his fists in the air. "Do that lewd infusion! A chance to grease a girl like that doesn't come along everyday." He and Sephiroth high-fived each other.

"I heard she's a real psycho when her Aunt Flo's in town," Reno said sulkily.

"Nah," Rude countered. "Tseng just started that rumor because he wanted to beef her taco and she laughed at his enchilada."

"Well," the redhead allowed, "he is hung like a light switch."

"As nice as it would be to continue poking fun at certain executive staff members," Sephiroth cut in, "I really do have to get back to my Act of Darkness." He secured his sack and his sword and made for the door. He was halfway across the parking lot when he was stopped by the arrival of flashing lights and glaring sirens. "Oh, what now?"

"Damn," Rude shook his head when he heard the sound. "I forgot. I called the cops before I came in."

"Oh, dear," Irene said as she moved over to the window. "I think our boy's in trouble." Ethel, Reno and Rude all lined up beside her just in time to see Sephiroth, who had been caught off guard and pepper-sprayed within an inch of his life, getting a pair shiny new bracelets and being shoved into the back seat of a jailhouse limo.

"You know," Reno mused, "I really didn't think he'd go down that easily."

Ethel snorted. "He probably wouldn't have if he'd been thinking with something other than his divining rod."

"Oh," Irene groaned in disappointment. "We never did get to see how divine his rod was." Both women sighed.

"You know," Ethel said, "we can't really leave him alone now. They're going to put him away and you know what can happen in the lockup to a boy that pretty."

Irene nodded. "You're absolutely right. He needs our help more than ever now." She turned away from the window. "How much bail are we willing to stand now?"

Ethel concentrated for a moment. "If rubbers are a peep show…I'd say this is at least worth a conjugal visit or two." The old women exchanged knowing smiles and hurried out of the pharmacy.

Reno winced as he watched the two women leave. "I'm beginning to think Sephiroth had the right idea gagging those two."

Rude put his sunglasses back on and did not say a word.

 **TBC...**

 **A/N:** For anyone who didn't quite get the warning up top, DO NOT tie people up with pantyhose in real life. It cuts off circulation.


	3. Climax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Ad Spot:** "Seeking a Sephiroth X Vincent Doujinshi that has a scene with Vincent in PJs and getting his hair molested by Sephiroth. If you know the title or have a copy, contact Akira at shatteredakira (at) yahoo (dot) com. She has money and she'll give you all for that Douji."

**Ad Spot:** "Seeking a Sephiroth X Vincent Doujinshi that has a scene with Vincent in PJs and getting his hair molested by Sephiroth. If you know the title or have a copy, contact Akira at shatteredakira (at) yahoo (dot) com. She has money and she'll give you all for that Douji."

 **Warnings:** This chapter involves something that sounds a bit like 'mastication'.

 **The Pursuit of Pleasure**

 **Stage Three: Climax**

In the middle of an open field some distance outside the town of Not-Perfect, an unclothed young woman lay spread out on a coat of buttery soft leather, waiting for her would-be lover. The stars shone down, winking at her and she waited. The man in the moon ogled her naked form and she waited. The wind whistled as it shook the shrubbery around her, and still, she waited.

After a while, she got pretty damned tired of waiting.

She was hungry and the man who had the meat she wanted was nowhere in sight. It couldn't take that long to pick up a pack, could it? She waited and waited and waited some more. She waited so long that her appetite threatened to lose its edge. Aeris was not about to miss out on a good meal. She was quite comfortable dining alone, especially since her companion had been so inconsiderate as to let the meal start turning cold.

Aeris let her fingers do some walking. She crossed the finish line like a champion marathon runner and sat up, quite satisfied. There was still the minor issue of her missing man, but she'd had quite enough of waiting.

Her mean streak kicked in right then. That man was going to pay for keeping her waiting. She rolled over and went through the pockets of the coat. She found his wallet first. "That idiot!" No wonder it was taking the man forever. Aeris did not stop to wonder why he had not come back for his wallet. There were a lot of pockets in that coat and she was going to search them all.

She emptied the coat and surveyed the cache. There was a comb and a little bottle of leave-in conditioner, a compact mirror, some lip gloss, a small tube of a skin-toning facial mask (cucumber-melon scent with aloe extract), a nail file and a healthy collection of coupons to Spa Works.

"Oh my god, he's a flaming metrosexual!" Aeris could barely believe her eyes. Then she thought about it a bit and realized that it did explain a few things. She got dressed quickly and made her way back to her camp with all of Sephiroth's questionable belongings. Despite the long wait and the unexpected discoveries after, she slept very well that night.

Sephiroth, on the other hand, barely slept at all. The pepper spray still had not worn off by the time he was led into the police station. He had to be led through the booking process like a blind man.

"Come on, don't lock me up," he pleaded to whoever would listen. "I have a starving little kitty to feed. She won't sleep well if she doesn't get cream."

The bright flash from the camera used to take his mug shots made his eyes water and by the time he was yanked down the hall to his holding cell, things began to look much clearer. He did not exactly consider that a blessing though. Most of the cells were packed beyond sane reckoning with human vermin of the 'Desperate and Depraved' variety.

"Whooooeeee! That's a pretty one! Put him in here!"

"Yeah, we'll keep him company!"

Officer Smythe, a petite woman with a permanent expression of 'Just-Sucked-a-Lemon', took a wild swing at the bars with her baton and succeeded in momentarily driving the wild monkeys back. "There's no room in there for him," she snapped.

"Sure there is," someone hollered. "We might be out of bench space but he's welcome to sit on my flagpole!" The entire cell erupted into laughter. Sephiroth was relieved when young Officer Bransen led him further down the hall. It saved him the trouble of setting fire to the building immediately. He needed a moment to collect himself before starting the fireworks.

The cell at the end was almost empty. "You should be okay in here," Officer Bransen whispered as he ushered a sulky Sephiroth inside. "Don't worry. I wouldn't put you in there with those hooligans." He kept staring at Sephiroth through the bars as he shut the door. "I can tell you need to be treated…special."

Sephiroth edged away from the bars. The sooner he set this place on fire, the better. As soon as Bransen was gone, the swordsman whipped around to look at his cell-mates. He was relieved to see only two.

The first was a skinny old man with an eye patch. He looked Sephiroth over and went back to muttering grumpily in the corner. The second, however, one gave Sephiroth a turn.

What could only be described as a tattooed mountain of a man sat against the far wall. His mustache, long curly hair and wardrobe of spiked leather all screamed 'Biker'. It also helped that it was emblazoned in red on the sleeve of his jacket. He gave Sephiroth a grin and stood. He was easily about a foot taller than the soldier. Every alarm in Sephiroth's head went off. In this small space, without a weapon or materia, this fight could take a while, maybe a whole minute.

The man approached and Sephiroth found himself stepping backwards again. Just as he was getting ready to pounce, the man stopped and offered him a hand and spoke with a voice that seemed to rumble up out of the deepest caves of the Planet. "Hi, my name's Lucille. What's yours?"

"Uh, Sephiroth." The swordsman was confused now, but he shook Lucille's hand anyway. Lucille pulled him into a massive bear hug and then walked him towards the metal bunk.

"Sit down, Jailbird Seph. You don't mind if I call you that, do you? What are you in for?"

"Armed robbery," Sephiroth murmured. The pepper spray seemed to have shorted out a significant portion of his nervous system. He was beyond being disturbed by anything now.

"Armed robbery, eh?" Lucille was saying. "That could land you in the big one. You got a good lawyer?"

Sephiroth considered. His sword had always been a good enough lawyer for him, and if the judge happened to be female, he did have Mr. Masamune to plead his case. "Yeah, I got a lawyer," he mumbled. He did not really intend to stay long enough to need one anyway.

"That's good. Me, I'm in for a good, old Drunk n' Disorderly," Lucille stretched his legs out. "Barfight. Somebody insulted my Jessica and you know, it's a man's place not to let things like that slide."

"Yeah," Sephiroth nodded. "I know that." He slumped forward, utterly depressed. The night had started off so well. He had practically been assured of getting his wick dipped. Goddamn his lack of preparedness! Curses upon his forgetfulness! He'd had the woman right under him, for Titan's sake! How had he gone from being about to sauce the clam to sitting in the slammer with a big guy named Lucille?

Sephiroth sighed. It could have been worse. He could have ended up in one of the crowded cells and he'd had quite enough of the 'Shower Touchy' game as a recruit. At least Lucille kept his hands to himself, crazy bear-hug aside.

"Hey, what's the matter, Little Jailbird?" Lucille prodded him with an elbow. "This your first time, isn't it?" He nodded knowingly. "I know it's hard at first, but it gets easier."

"No, no, it's not that," Sephiroth leaned back against the wall. "It's just that, well, I had plans for tonight and this sure wasn't in any of them."

Lucille nodded knowingly. "You were gonna do some rough riding, right?"

"You bet your life on it! I was gonna nail that cat!" Sephiroth stood, wild-eyed and frantic with the thought of what he had come so close to having. "Dammit, I am Darkness Incarnate! My purple-headed demon was supposed to storm the Pearly Gates of Paradise! I was supposed to invade Heaven! I was going to set the snake free in the Garden of Eden and taste some fine forbidden fruit!"

A raspy voice hit him. "Ya wastin' ya time, boy!"

Sephiroth spun around to face the old man. The one dark eye was fixed on him and the man's toothless mouth was twisted into a snarl. "Wimmin's a waste o' ya time."

"Don't mind Willy," Lucille put in. "He's a regular nut."

"I see that," Sephiroth said as he reclaimed his seat.

"You don't know the half of it," Lucille said, then dropped his voice to a whisper. "He's in here for abusing the sheriff in public."

Sephiroth was confused. "What?"

Lucille glanced up to make sure that Willy wasn't listening. "He did it on the highway. I heard when the posse came out it hit somebody's windshield and that's when they called the cops on him. Public Indecency and Lewd Behavior."

"Oh." That was all the swordsman could say as realization dawned. Sephiroth had no problems with fisting the friar, but he drew the line at aiming at traffic.

Willy hobbled over, wagging a gnarled finger at the seated pair. "You young 'uns think the four-legged frolic's the best thing in the world, dontcha? I'm tellin' ya straight, wimmin's an entanglement no sane man keeps round forever. Better off beltin' yer own hog."

Sephiroth and Lucille exchanged a glance and Willy kept on going. "See, when you start with a female, it's all good, but then they gets to thinking about marriage and kids and alimony. And if ya marries 'em, ya can't ever get some when ya want it, cuz they're too tired, or on the rag. After wife number fourteen left me, I was done widdem. No more wimmen, no, sir, I had enough! I been running the one-legged race ever since and that's more than enough fer me. Now there's some method to milking the lizard for maximum satisfaction. I personally prefers…"

Sephiroth groaned and rubbed his forehead, wishing the cops had used bullets instead of pepper spray. Lucille leaned over as Willy continued the lecture on snake charming.

"Got a headache?" the biker asked. Sephiroth groaned again in response. "Lie down here." Sephiroth's eyes flew open as Lucille yanked his head down. The swordsman's cheek met hard leather biker pants. He was alarmed for a second, but Lucille only stroked his hair. "Take a nap. You'll feel better in the morning."

Sephiroth groaned again, but he could not really see any other options. His head hurt, he was tired and frustrated beyond belief and just did not have the energy for the spectacular blast his position as Evil Bad Guy required. He let Lucille keep stroking his hair as he closed his eyes and tried to tune Willy out.

"O' course, since you boys is young, ya probably gonna head after the females anyway, but if ya want to keep out a trouble, ya got to treat 'em like postage stamps. Lick 'em, stick 'em and send 'em on their way."

The early morning sun found Aeris and Tifa bathing in a stream a short distance away from their camp. Aeris was unusually glum.

"What's the matter, Aeris?" Tifa asked. "You're unusually glum."

Aeris sighed. "I was supposed to get laid last night, but when I sent him to get a diving suit he didn't come back."

Tifa went wide-eyed with shock but after a few speechless moments, was able to voice her anger. "Cloud's got some nerve! Want me to beat him up for you?"

Aeris giggled a little. "Thanks for the offer, but it wasn't Spike."

"Oh," Tifa said. "Vincent?"

Aeris grew serious. "Try not to flip out too much on me, okay?" She waited for Tifa to nod. "It was Sephiroth."

"WHAT!"

A flock of birds fled from the trees.

"I said it was Sephiroth," Aeris repeated.

Tifa was furious. "Aeris, what the name of Titan's tallywacker were you thinking?"

"I was thinking…" Aeris grew misty-eyed and her hands reached up to drift over whatever image her imagination was showing her. "I was thinking the he had the finest, tightest ass I've ever seen."

"Oh," Tifa said. "There is that." There was silence for about a minute. "So," Tifa began, "did you see if the carpet matches the curtains?"

Aeris grinned. "Yep. It sure does." The women giggled and finished their bath.

Cloud and Co. pulled into the quiet little town of Not-Perfect in the late morning. Eager for any opportunity to sleep in actual beds, they took rooms at the inn (which, in true Not-Perfect town spirit, did not offer a continental breakfast) with the intention of spending the night. The group split up to while away the hours with some well-deserved rest and relaxation.

Aeris, Tifa and Yuffie hit the downtown area for a shopping trip. Aeris had acquired some great coupons for Spa Works and the girls were not about to miss out on that. Barret had damaged his gun earlier and needed to get it looked at so it would fire straight again. Cloud locked himself in his room to sharpen his sword. Red XIII wandered off to the wharf in the hopes that someone would have pity on a kitty and give him some fish.

Cid and Vincent opted to keep each other company at the table in the common area. Vincent had bought a copy of the town's newspaper and graciously offered Cid first pick of sections. Cid took the Classifieds and immediately flipped to the Personal Ad section.

"Hmm," the pilot scanned the pages. "Single White Female seeking Burly Man for long walks on the beach. Nope. Youthful Divorcee seeking someone who can take punishment, leather fetish preferred. Not bad. Hey!" He zoomed in on one ad. "Young woman seeking Hot Yaoi Dou…Douji…Doujinshi!" He looked up from the paper. "What the hell is a 'Hot Yaoi Doujinshi'?"

Vincent was completely absorbed in reading his section of the paper and did not reply.

"Hey, Vinny!" Cid hollered and got the man's attention. Vincent looked up calmly. Cid pointed to the ad. "Am I a Hot Yaoi Doujinshi?" Vincent arched a dark eyebrow.

"Not by yourself," he said quietly and went back to reading.

"Oooh, kinky woman, eh?" Cid was intrigued. "Vince, are you and me together a Hot Yaoi Doujinshi?" He looked at the former Turk, grinning.

Vincent sighed sadly. "If that's what turns you on…" He ducked his head and went back to reading, though he spared a moment to wish that everyone would stop trying to get into his pants.

Cid frowned down at the paper. "That's no kind of answer. I still don't know what one of these things really is." It was just then that Barret returned from having work done on his gun. "Hey, Wallace," Cid turned. "Are you and me a Hot Yaoi Doujinshi?"

"Hell, no, Fly-boy! What's gotten into you?"

Cid was exasperated. "I'm just trying to figure out if I'm what this woman's looking for."

Vincent looked up over the edge of the newspaper. "You're not."

"Well, alright then," Cid settled into his chair. "Moving on."

Barret took the chair opposite and reached to the coffee table for part of the paper. "Oh shit!" The other two men looked up at him. Barret held the front page up. "Sephiroth's been arrested! Why didn't you guys tell me?"

Cid was surprised. "He was? I didn't know. Didn't look at the front page." Barret looked at Vincent, who seemed just as surprised.

"Goddammit, Valentine, I expected better from you!"

Vincent looked down dejectedly. "I just wanted to read the funnies."

Barret banged the chair in frustration. "We gotta go tell Cloud."

"I don't usually do this," Officer Bransen said as he walked down the row of holding cells. "But since it's the new one you've come to visit, I'll let you ladies through."

"Thank you, young man." Irene smiled at him. She followed a couple feet behind him with her hands carefully holding a big cardboard box and her eyes steadily directed below Bransen's waistline.

"Here he is," Bransen announced. He opened a small section of the bars, took the box from the old woman and slid it into the cell. "Be good to him. He needs…gentle handling." He turned and left. Ethel and Irene stared through the bars at the swordsman sleeping with his head pillowed on a huge biker's lap.

"Well, there's something you don't see everyday," Ethel murmured. "I didn't think he'd go for the husky kind."

"Now, Ethel, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I think it's sweet that he's found someone to look after him in here."

"If you say so," Ethel grumbled. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty! Rise and shine, pretty boy!"

The cell's three occupants stirred to life. Sephiroth got up and looked around. "What's going on?" He spotted the two hags beyond the bars. "Oh, god, I died and Hades is cleaning himself off with my soul."

"We brought you a present, dear," Irene said sweetly. She pointed to the box in the center of the floor. "There's plenty more where that came from."

Sephiroth stared at the box with apprehension and did not say a word. He had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. While he stared, Willy studied the visitors. The old man leaned forward on the bench and turned his one eye on Ethel.

"Sweet mother of pearl," the man murmured. "Them's a mighty fine pair of sweater puppies ya got there." Ethel gave him a look that could have withered any vine. Willy had been sent round the bend at the sight of a pair of large knockers and had apparently forgotten his previous policy. "Why so sour?" he drawled. "Is your basement leaking or is them hound puppies just not getting enough air? Tight underwear's a killer."

"I'm sure you know a lot about that," Ethel said acidly.

"Tight bra, I knew it," Willy nodded sagely. "You gotta set them critters free. Yard dogs like them ain't meant to be penned up. Ya got to let 'em socialize with other pups. I got a schnauzer that loves to play in pumpkin patches."

"That's a surprise. I thought your dog would be dead by now."

"Spunky, aren't ya? The Trouser Schnauzer might be old but he's as frisky as a pup." Willy grinned. "And he knows all the new tricks."

Ethel's glasses glinted. "Hey, I recognize you. You're the Highway Gobdropper." Willy grinned some more. Ethel was not impressed. "You are one sick piece of work."

"Oh my," Irene exclaimed. "Maybe we should go." She turned back to Sephiroth. "Enjoy your present, dear. There's plenty more where that came from. We'll be back tomorrow." She touched Ethel's shoulder. "Let's go, Ethel. We did what we came to do." They turned and began to walk down the narrow corridor.

Willy pressed himself against the bars. "Me and the dog'll be waiting for ya, if ya change yer mind."

"Roll over and drop dead!"

Irene looked even more worried and pushed Ethel along, hurrying her friend out of sight. Sephiroth was relieved to see them go. Lucille stretched and nudged him.

"Aren't you going to open your present?"

Sephiroth sighed. "I guess so." He retrieved the box gingerly from the floor and raised the lid. Inside there was a fresh cream pie. Sephiroth set the box aside and wrapped his arms around his bare chest. He could not stop shuddering. This whole thing was some kind of sick joke. It had to be. How else could he have gotten here?

He rocked back against the wall. Being propositioned was nothing new to him, but the shock of having so many proposals coming from such different sources in such a short space of time was beginning to get to him. The more time went by, the more unlikely it seemed that he would ever get to surf the Delta of Aeris.

"You going to eat that?" Lucille asked. Sephiroth shook his head. He wanted nothing to do with Old Lady Cream Pie. Lucille patted the man's shoulder gently. "You should at least break out a slice." He leaned in closer and whispered, "There might be a file in it."

Sephiroth shook his head. "Not likely." Lucille shrugged and reached into the box. He had to scoop the pie right out of the tray and break it by hand since his knife had been confiscated.

Sure enough, as he cracked the pie in half, something hard poked out. "Ah ha!" He grabbed hold of it and yanked, sending cream flying across the cell. Then he stared at the thing he held, confused.

The object, too soft to be a file by far, proved to be a Double D cup underwire brassiere.

A red one.

With lace.

"Uh," Lucille stared at the thing then held it up in front of Sephiroth. "I think this is for you."

Sephiroth looked up. There, inked into the left cup, was a note.

 _Put out if you want to get out._

Sephiroth buried his face in his arms, too distraught to speak or even remember his plan to set the entire place on fire. He had seen too many strange and terrible things in the last twelve hours. If things kept up at this rate, Mr. Masamune would probably drop dead, never to rise again. The twins would be orphans. Sephiroth whimpered at possible fate of his very best friend.

It was a cruel world.

 **TBC…**

…I am one sick nut.

Thanks to Akira Majere for lending support for this chapter.


	4. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** By continuing to read you accept full responsibility for the consequences of your actions. The author denies all liability for any condition that may result from exposure to the deviance in this chapter.

**Warning:** By continuing to read you accept full responsibility for the consequences of your actions. The author denies all liability for any condition that may result from exposure to the deviance in this chapter.

 **The Pursuit of Pleasure**

 **Stage Four: Resolution**

"Ooh," Tifa hiked her laden basket up. "There's that vanilla cinnamon lotion I've been looking for. I couldn't find it in Midgar for the life of me!" She popped the bottle into the basket.

Yuffie held up a jar of apricot scrub. "Is this stuff any good?"

Aeris took a look around, a little disappointed. "If only this place sold flavored lube. Then my shopping would be complete." The other two women stared at her.

Yuffie blinked. "That stuff comes in flavors?"

Tifa giggled and put her arm around the teenager. "You have much to learn, grasshopper." She then proceeded to enlighten Yuffie about the wide range of flavors, colors, scents and novelty features available in the world of adult toys and accessories.

Aeris drifted over to the front of the store when the lecture ran overlong. There was a crowd gathering at the newsstand outside. She squinted at the newspaper everyone seemed eager to get. Her basket fell when she saw the headline. Somehow, someone had tossed the General (and his mighty soldier) in the slammer.

Tifa and Yuffie looked around. "Something the matter, Aer?" Tifa asked.

Aeris turned around, livid. "That bastard Sephiroth went and got himself arrested last night!"

Tifa huffed. "That explains a few things."

Yuffie was a bit confused. "Sephiroth getting arrested is a bad thing?"

Aeris straightened up. If Sephiroth had gotten himself carted off to the lockup, then maybe he had not abandoned her out of spite. In fact, if there was someway to get him out, there might be some chance they could still do the grown-up hokey pokey together. She stormed out of the store with one thing on her mind.

Yes, that thing.

Barret slammed his fist against the door. "Spike! Open up, you little blond dumbass! There's some serious shit going down!"

There was no answer. Cid lit himself another cigarette. "Maybe he went out."

"Goddammit!" Barret backed off from the door. Vincent leaned in a little, then stepped back in alarm.

"He's still in there," he murmured. "We should not…intrude on him."

Cid looked interested. "Is Blondie getting dirty in there?" Vincent backed up until he hit the far wall.

"Just wait for him to open the door himself. That's all I'm saying."

There was some loud stomping on the stairs. The men turned to see the girls rushing towards them.

"Where's Cloud?" Aeris demanded.

"Whoa, easy, little lady," Cid stopped her with a little shove to the shoulder. "You heard about Sephiroth?"

"What about Sephiroth?" Red asked slinking his way up the stairs and around the corner. He was licking his whiskers in a most satisfied manner. Anyone would have said the cat had gotten some cream.

Yuffie leaned against the wall, trying to catch her breath. "He's in jail."

"Really, now?" Red sat down. "Does Cloud know?"

Barret waved his arm at the door. "We're trying to tell him but he won't open up. We're about to bust the door down."

Red swiveled his ears towards the door. His one eye widened in alarm and he shrunk back to join Vincent in quaking against the wall. "Don't go in yet. Just trust me on this."

With two members of the group advocating the patience of angels, they waited and waited and waited a little while more. Cid flicked the ashes off his third cigarette. Okay, so it had not really been that much of a wait. Cid was just a really fast smoker. "Been a hell of a wait," he grumbled. "Isn't Cloud done doing…whatever the hell he's doing in there yet?"

"No," Red and Vincent squeaked together and huddled down on the floor.

"Oh please," Tifa approached the door, certain that there was no way Cloud could have that kind of stamina. "I've had enough of this waiting. I'm going in!"

Before anyone could stop her, she took aim and kicked the door in. Cloud shrieked inside. "What are you doing, woman? You don't bust in on a man's private time!"

"Oh, come off it, Cloud." She strode in with no care at all for his feelings on the matter. "It's nothing I didn't see that time in Nibelheim when you fell off the roof and your pants got snagged on the guttering on the way down."

Everyone else entered more cautiously. Everyone but Red and Vincent anyway. They both sat on the floor outside and the former Turk kept making the sign of the cross and whispering something about abomination.

Barret nearly tripped on something that was trying to sneak out the doorway as he entered. "What the…Cait Sith, what the hell you doing here?"

"Um," Cloud mumbled, "He was um, uh, he was helping me…polish my sword." He gestured wildly over to large gleaming sword in the corner in an attempt to distract everyone while he plopped a pillow over his lap. No one was fooled. Cait Sith grinned sheepishly at the crowd and squeaked a little as he tried to hide his megaphone behind his back.

Cid choked on his cigarette. Barret turned to Cloud. "Boy, I know the mako done messed your brain, but that is beyond sick!"

"Never mind that," Aeris strode forward. "All SOLDIERS are deviants in one way or another. Take my word on it. We have more important business."

"Straight up," Tifa joined her. "Cloud, Sephiroth was arrested yesterday. He's in the slammer right here in this town."

Cloud blinked. "He is?" He blinked some more. "Well, good. One less thing for us to worry about."

This did not suit Aeris' libido at all. Fortunately, Cloud was notoriously susceptible to suggestion. "Cloud," she began, "jail can't hold him. When he gets himself together he's just going to torch the place." She approached the bed slowly with a look of schooled concern and innocent shock on her face. "It'll be Nibelheim all over again, Cloud."

"It will?" Cloud asked.

"Yes, Cloud," Aeris knelt carefully near him. "You're the only one who can stop him." She leaned in closer so nobody else could hear. "You're the only one with the right to stop him."

Cloud sat up straight in the bed. "You're right!" he declared. "I have to break him out!"

Aeris had other ideas. "Don't cause a scene, Cloud. There's enough trouble with the arrest on the front pages already. Shinra might already be on its way."

Cloud nodded. "Then we have to get him out of that jail as quickly and painlessly as possible to avoid a disaster. Get me a phone! We need a good lawyer!" He tossed the sheets aside and sprung from the bed.

Everyone shrieked and turned away. Barret yelled, "Boy, what you need is some _pants_!"

In the meantime, Sephiroth was languishing in the lockup with his head still on Lucille's lap. He had a very bad headache and just did not feel up to conjuring a fireball to end all fireballs just yet. The steadily approaching footsteps in front of the cell did nothing to improve matters. The cell gate creaked and clanged, but Sephiroth did not look up.

"Rise and shine, handsome," Officer Bransen called out. "You're free to go." Sephiroth did not move so Bransen called out again. "Hey, Tall, Pale and Beautiful, you're getting out of here. Looks like somebody yanked all the right chains just for you."

Lucille nudged Sephiroth's shoulder. "He's talking to you, little jailbird." Sephiroth sat up slowly. There were two elderly men in suits behind Officer Bransen.

"What happened?" Sephiroth asked.

One of the men entered and held a small business card forward. "Sir, we're with the law office of Wankett and Spuje. A Mr. Cloud Strife came to us on your behalf and well, let's just say arrangements have been made. We'll see to settling the matter. You're free to go."

Sephiroth stood with a frown. "I didn't know Cloud had enough money on him for fancy lawyers."

The other man fidgeted. "Well, no, we've made agreement of another kind. We help you in exchange for some…valuable services." Sephiroth decided the less he knew, the better. He waved to a grinning Lucille and walked out of the cell.

Officer Bransen ushered him past the hooting ruffians in the other cells. "Exit is this way."

Sephiroth stopped. "I had a sword when I came in." Bransen nodded.

"Right, right, sorry." He led Sephiroth to the back room and shut the door quietly behind them. "Take a look around. I know it was dragged in at some point and all belongings are held in here."

Sephiroth had always been able to see very well in the dark so he did not really notice just how dim the little room was. He looked high and low for the Masamune and nearly tripped over the handle. Apparently it had been too heavy for anyone to lift, so it had just been shoved as far under the shelves as it would go. "Damn," Sephiroth mumbled and got down on his knees to yank the thing out. Bransen stood behind him, enjoying the view.

Having retrieved his weapon, Sephiroth stood up and turned around to find Bransen a little too close for comfort. He jumped back and rattled the shelves. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Bransen closed in a few inches. "Saying my goodbyes."

Just then the door swung open and bright light flooded the room. Officer Smythe stood there with Lucille right behind her. Bransen stepped back, frowning.

"Guess what, little jailbird," Lucille grinned. "My gang got me out too. Come on, I'll give you a ride out of town." Sephiroth was only too happy to accept.

He looked at the business card the lawyer had given him while Lucille got his things. He had thought it was a card for the firm, but instead it was for a certain Gilded Lily Motel on the edge of town. Someone had scribbled a tiny letter 'A' in the corner. Sephiroth did not even dare to hope.

"Let's get movin', jailbird," Lucille said. They walked out to the impound lot. "My Jessica should be around somewhere." Sephiroth squinted in the daylight and looked out for a biker chick but there was no one around at all. Lucille spotted something and ran ahead. "There she is!" Sephiroth could only follow.

There in front of them, was the biggest, heaviest, most tricked-out hot pink motorcycle Sephiroth had ever seen. "That's Jessica?" he squeaked, not meaning to offend.

"Ain't she just beautiful?" Lucille was glowing with pride. Sephiroth only nodded. Lucille hopped on and tossed Sephiroth the spare helmet. "Hop on, buddy, and tell me where you wanna go!"

They rode off down the side streets with Sephiroth's hair flying like a silver flag behind them. They went by so fast they did not notice the two old women who were making their way back to the precinct with a fresh pie in hand.

"Oh dear," Irene said. "I think that was our boy. Looks like he got out without us."

"Great," Ethel grumbled. "And I was really looking forward to a hot beef injection."

Irene shrugged. "Well, since we're already on our way to the police, how about we pay a visit to that nice young Bransen boy? He might be willing to trade some hot buns for the pie."

Ethel shook her head. "I don't know, Irene. I get the feeling that boy's not much of a cat lover."

On a half-dead hope, Sephiroth had Lucille drop him off at the motel. He wandered into the lobby, tired, depressed and thoroughly worn out.

"I'm glad you made it," Aeris said quietly. "You had quite an adventure."

Sephiroth sighed. "If you want to call it that."

"I read about it in the paper," Aeris said. Sephiroth did not answer. Aeris did not like his mood, but she hoped that it was only his spirit that was flagging. "I got us a room," she said. "Maybe we can finally complete our transaction."

Sephiroth shrugged but let her lead him to the small room. There was one bed, just big enough, a small table with a microwave, a chair and a narrow door that led to the bathroom. Sephiroth's coat was folded neatly over the back of the chair.

"I brought your things," Aeris said, reaching into her small pack. She fished out a little box and smiled knowingly at Sephiroth. "I got the latex socks too."

"Thanks for going through the trouble," the General said.

"Don't be," Aeris chirped. "I bought 'em with your money."

Sephiroth flopped down on the bed. "Aeris," he began. "I'm sorry. I know you're looking forward to it but it's been a rough day. I'm just not feeling…up to it." He fell backwards and looked away with a melancholy sigh.

Aeris sighed. It was to be expected, she supposed. She sat on the bed and considered her options. She had come that close to getting a bit of the finest creamsicle on the Planet, but now, there was nothing. Why? Because the big, bad General was too blue to fire the cannon. Well, there was nothing much to be done, she supposed.

"I've got instant noodles, if you're hungry," she murmured. In a way, she had led him into the whole mess. She could at least feed him before she tossed him into the street. Sephiroth nodded slowly so she went over to her pack and took out a noodle cup. She popped it into the microwave and sat silently with Sephiroth while the thing cooked.

Sephiroth stared up at the ceiling. He supposed he should be glad that the girl was not too mad at him for turning her down. It was shame really. "Hey, Aeris, why did Cloud decide to get me out of jail all of a sudden?"

Aeris shrugged. "I talked him into it. He's not very bright, after all."

Sephiroth laughed a bit. "What's he doing now, anyway?"

"My guess is working off your legal fees."

"Eww," Sephiroth grimaced. He lay back and considered his own options. Here was a hot young woman with a mind almost as deviant and manipulative as his own. Their eyes met across the distance and both thought about the possibility that this could be the one that was forever and ever.

Then the microwave dinged.

Aeris got up to fetch the noodles. She peeled back the lid. "Watch out. It's hot." She pursed her lips and blew gently into the cup to cool its contents. Sephiroth sat up. His eyes were glued the sight. There was something just thrilling about watching Aeris blow his hot noodle, he thought, and Mr. Masamune agreed with him. He reached out and grabbed Aeris' wrist.

"Sephiroth!"

"You know what, Aeris?" Sephiroth took the cup out of her hand and set it down on the table. "I'm not really hungry. Well, not for noodles anyway."

"Oh?" Aeris arched one eyebrow. "What do you want?"

"I was thinking maybe something a little more…filling. You know, like steak and seafood."

Aeris grinned at him.

The door was locked.

They had a bed.

They had time.

They had protection.

Who needed forever?

They shared a wicked look, took each other by the hand and walked over to the bed.

And finally, they danced to the beat of the primal rhythms all night long.

 **The End**


	5. Afterglow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

 **Warning:** Sex has potentially long-term repercussions. For example, you thought this fic was long over but it isn't. You have my sincere apologies. I honestly thought it was done too, but something came up. You'll see what I mean.

 **The Pursuit of Pleasure**

 **Afterglow**

In the town of Not-Perfect, even the pitch black sanctity of late night was marred. On this particular occasion, the stillness near one Gilded Lily Motel was being interrupted by several forms of rhythmic banging. A headboard was banging against a wall, the next-door neighbor was banging on the other side and Sephiroth and Aeris were banging each other. After everything they had been through in their quest for latex lingerie, they deserved an evening's entertainment.

They did have to stop now and then. Flattening mattresses was hard work. It took a lot out of them and they needed to refuel. Aeris wanted to have a noodle dish, but unfortunately for her it came out limp and cold. Sephiroth was pretty happy with his fish dinner though. By the time he finished his meal, Aeris' had reheated nicely and she was more than a little hungry. She had a very healthy appetite and Sephiroth had to say that there were few sights more satisfying than the way she could scarf down a good hard salami.

They opted to rest up a bit before getting back to work. Sephiroth told Aeris about how good the masamune was for trimming the buff and she told him her favorite methods of seed planting. They were about to get into some hands-on demonstrations when their quiet little interlude was interrupted by some knocking action at the front door.

"What the hell?" Sephiroth grunted and walked over, just as he was, to see what the commotion was about. He opened the door to find a short, balding guy in a bathrobe. The man did not look to happy to begin with. When he saw everything that Sephiroth wasn't wearing, he turned completely white.

"Holy hell, can't you make yourself decent before you open the door?" He appeared to be trying hard not the stare, but Mr. Masamune had a way of drawing the eye.

"I was busy," Sephiroth grunted.

"Yeah, I heard." The man turned away so he would not have to face Mr. Masamune directly. Being reminded of personal inadequacies stung. "Look, can't you kids keep it down?"

Sephiroth glared. "No."

"What d'ya mean 'no'?"

Sephiroth was feeling a little mellowed out from all the long hours of field plowing and oyster shucking he'd been doing, so in a rare move, he gave the man a second chance. "I mean no, I have no intention of keeping it down. As long as it can come up, I'm going to let it."

The little bald man started turning red. "You damned inconsiderate sonuvabi-."

"I'd advise you to return to your room," Sephiroth warned, calling the steel Masamune to his hand. "If you keep testing my patience I'll see to it that your happy trail leads to a dead end."

Having to face two massive swords was just too much. The man went pale again and backed away.

Sephiroth did not wait for him to get too far before slamming the door shut. He returned to the bed where Aeris was waiting for him.

"All taken care of?"

"Yeah, just some guy thinking we were being too noisy. I told him where to shove it. It can't be helped if fixing the plumbing's loud business."

"Shall we get back to it?" Aeris prowled across the bed and reached for her favorite tool. Sephiroth merrily obliged her and proceeded to lay pipe till the wee hours of the morning.

Dawn found them tangled in the sheets, soaking in the calm. "So," Sephiroth began, "How was it?"

Aeris exhaled and gave him an extremely satisfied look. "Your reputation is well-deserved, Soldier."

"Good." Sephiroth grinned. "You want breakfast? I have a hot roll with cream."

"Sure, why not? One more for the road." Aeris reached for the box on the nightstand and looked inside. "Oh, no!"

Sephiroth froze. His heart sank straight to his stomach. "What is it?"

Aeris shook the empty box and confirmed what Sephiroth dreaded most. "We're out of pole protectors. You're going to have to go out and get some more."

 **End**

 ****

* * *

 **Bonus**

"Hm, new email." The student clicked the icon and sluggishly began to read. It was late and night and she was exhausted, as usual, but the content of the letter made her sit up. She knew some of her work did not sit well with some people and she had been subjected to her share of complaints, but this was a little out of the ordinary.

 _Dear Ms. Morrigu,_

 _I have recently read a story of yours entitled 'The Pursuit of Pleasure' and I have to say that I am absolutely appalled at the content. I find it insulting that you would waste your ability by stooping so low. You may brush off what you do as simple entertainment, but when your 'entertainment' involves such blatant mischaracterization and senseless ribaldry, I find I cannot sit idly by._

"Oh, lordy," said the student. "Well, at least this one can spell."

 _Your representation of Sephiroth is completely off-base. You may find the idea of the Great SOLDIER acting in such a disgraceful manner amusing, but I certainly do not. In fact, I find your attitude to be supremely arrogant and your taste in entertainment is absurd._

"So?" The student said dryly. "I'm not running for Miss Universe, stranger. What the hell should it matter to me what you think?"

 _I cannot believe that you would so thoroughly degrade the personality of a man as great as Sephiroth. I am in a position to understand him intimately, far better than you ever could and I can refute every one of the insinuations you made in your libelous work._

"Wow, this one's cracked."

 _You represent him as having the great failing of obeying his lower instincts above all else when in fact, he would never allow such matters to take precedence over the task at hand. While he is obviously a powerful man and I suppose someone like you cannot help but wonder at certain aspects of his taste and ability, I will have you know that he prefers to keep these matters private, as they should be. Neither his partners, his preferences nor his methods are up for discussion by the likes of you. It is an insult, both to him and to me, that you would place such foul speculative fiction within reach of the public._

The student sighed. "Three words – back button, freak."

 _I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are willing to learn. If you care to truly understand the General and his motivations, I would be more than willing to instruct you. I hope you will accept my offer because I sincerely do not wish to see a repeat occurrence of this. The General and I have an intimate relationship.. He has always trusted my judgment, though ultimately all decisions are his own. He is above being concerned with speculation by the likes of you, but since I feel so strongly about this, he has agreed to allow me to correct your misconceptions._

"Mother fried turkey, this one's real special."

 _I look forward to hearing from you and promise to answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability, providing that the General approves of my disseminating the particulars, of course._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Masamune._

"Huh?"

The student stared agape at the screen. She blinked several times, but the name did not change. "What the hell?" She scrambled to check the name again and crosscheck it against the email address.

" at Sephspants dot com... That can't be real." She checked her glass but there was nothing stronger in there than lemonade. She glanced around nervously. If she could get an email like that, there was no telling who or what was watching.

She went down to the kitchen for a refill. There was nothing like a cold drink to clear her head. She leaned against the counter, staring at the fridge as she sipped slowly. There was a lot to think about but her mind kept getting stuck on one particular aspect. She sighed. In a case like this, maybe some sort of response was in order.

She went back upstairs and began to type.

 _Dear Mr. Masamune,_

 _I was truly surprised to receive your email and I regret having so greatly insulted you and the General. Please be assured that this was unintentional on my part. It is true I am entertained by strange things, but had I known for certain what the General was like or that there was in fact someone like you, able and willing to instruct me on the finer points of the General's personality, I would most likely have taken a different approach._

 _I appreciate your generous offer to correct my impressions of the General. I realize that someone as close to the source as you are must have a much better picture of what the man himself is like. I look forward to learning as much as you are able to teach me. However, at the moment, there is only one question on my mind._

 _How exactly did you write that letter?_

 _Respectfully,_

 _Ardwynna Morrigu_

 __

* * *

 **A.N.:** _Now_ it's over. Honest


End file.
